Vonk Training

Leading conversations · module 2 of 4

Feedback that lands

A half-day workshop for team leads and first-time managers

Facilitated by Sanne Hoekstra and Joris Bakker · Amsterdam Thursday 24 September 2026 · 09:00–12:30
Today 210 min · 09:00–12:30

Three and a half hours, two exercises, one conversation you take home

  1. 09:00 Welcome, check-in and what we will not do today 15 min
  2. 09:15 Why well-meant feedback misses 20 min
  3. 09:35 Situation, behaviour, impact — demonstrated live 25 min
  4. 10:00 Exercise 1: rewrite a message you never sent 30 min
  5. 10:30 Break — coffee in the courtyard 15 min
  6. 10:45 Receiving feedback without defending 25 min
  7. 11:10 Exercise 2: the six-minute conversation, in trios 45 min
  8. 11:55 Debrief, recap and one commitment each 35 min
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Why we are here Observable, all four

What you will be able to do at half past twelve

Four things, each of them something we can watch you do. If one of them has not happened by 12:30, say so before you leave the room.

  1. Name the three parts of a feedback message and spot the one that is missing from a real example.
  2. Deliver one piece of difficult feedback in under six minutes, without softening it away.
  3. Ask two questions that keep a defensive conversation open instead of closing it.
  4. Write down one conversation you will have in the week after this session, with a name and a date.
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How we work today Part of the check-in

Four agreements that make practising safe enough

  • What is said here stays here. What you learn here goes everywhere with you.
  • Bring real situations. Invented cases are comfortable and they teach nothing.
  • Practise, or pass. You may sit an exercise out — say so at the start of it, not halfway through.
  • Laptops closed, phones face down. We finish at 12:30 either way.
Anything you want to add? Say it now — this list belongs to the room, not to the trainer.
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Why feedback misses 20 min

Most feedback fails before it is given, not while it is given

  • We wait. The usual gap between noticing the behaviour and mentioning it is six weeks — by then the example is cold and the tone is loaded.
  • We generalise. "You are always late" cannot be checked, so it gets argued instead of answered.
  • We lead with the judgement and keep the observation to ourselves, so the other person hears a verdict with no evidence attached.
  • We do it in a corridor, in ninety seconds, between two other things.
The conversation is decided by what you prepare, not by how brave you feel in the room.

Ask for a show of hands on the six-week gap before you move on. Most rooms admit to longer.

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The model 25 min

Situation, behaviour, impact: three sentences, in that order

  • Situation. When and where, precisely. "In yesterday's stand-up, at about ten past nine."
  • Behaviour. What a camera would have recorded, and nothing else. "You answered the client question before Ilse had finished hers."
  • Impact. On you, on the work, on the customer. "Ilse stopped contributing and we closed the call without her number."
  • Then stop talking. The silence after the third sentence is where the conversation actually begins.
If you cannot say the behaviour without an adjective, you are not ready to say it.

Demonstrate it live with your co-facilitator: first the corridor version, then the prepared one. Two minutes each.

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Receiving it 25 min

Receiving feedback badly is the fastest way to stop being given any

  • The first reaction is physical, not rational: pulse up, jaw tight, a sentence already forming before the other person has finished.
  • Buy three seconds. "Give me a moment with that" is a complete and professional answer.
  • Ask for the example before you argue with the conclusion: "When did you see that happen?"
  • Split the two decisions — is it accurate, and what will I do about it. You may answer them on different days.
You do not have to agree with feedback to thank the person who took the risk of giving it.

This is where the room goes quiet. Let it. Then ask who has stopped giving someone feedback because of how it once landed.

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Exercise 1 30 min

Rewrite a message you never sent

  1. Think of one piece of feedback you have been carrying for weeks and have not given.
  2. Write it as three sentences — situation, behaviour, impact. Ten minutes, alone, in silence.
  3. Read it out. Your partner strikes through every adjective and every "always" or "never".
  4. Rewrite it once and read the second version aloud. It should be shorter than the first.

In pairs — swap after ten minutes so both versions get read out

→Bring back one rewritten opening sentence per person, on a card, in your own handwriting

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Exercise 2 45 min

The six-minute conversation

  1. One of you gives the feedback from your card. Six minutes, timed, and nobody rescues anybody.
  2. One of you receives it, and tries the three-second pause before answering.
  3. The third watches the clock and writes down only what was said, never what it seemed to mean.
  4. Three rounds of six minutes plus six minutes of debrief; the last nine minutes are for swapping seats and reading the observer's notes.

In trios — one gives, one receives, one observes

→The observer's notes go back to the giver; nothing else leaves the trio

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Debrief 20 min

What was different the second time you said it?

  • Which sentence was hardest to say out loud, and what happened in the room after you said it?
  • Receivers: at what point did you stop listening, and what had just been said?
  • Observers: name one thing the giver did that you are going to steal.

Ask, then wait. Ten seconds of silence in a room of twelve is normal, and it is doing the work for you.

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Recap 15 min

Four things to take out of this room

  1. Prepare the three sentences. Situation, behaviour, impact — written down before you walk in, not improvised in the doorway.
  2. Say it inside a week. Feedback older than a fortnight arrives as a complaint: the example has gone cold and so has your goodwill.
  3. Stop after the impact. The silence belongs to the other person. Filling it with a softener takes the message back again.
  4. Ask before you argue. On the receiving end, ask for the example first and decide what to do about it tomorrow.
Before you leave: one name, one sentence, one date in your calendar. We will ask in module 3.
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Thank you

One conversation, this week, with a name on it

You already know which one it is — you wrote it on a card at ten past ten. Have it before Friday, while the sentences are still yours.

What happens next

  • A one-page summary and the three-sentence card reach your inbox on Friday 25 September.
  • Module 3, Conversations that are not about performance, runs on 22 October.
  • In two weeks you get one email with one question: did you have the conversation?

To take with you

  • The three-sentence card, printed, in your workshop folder.
  • A two-page reading list — chapters, not whole books.
  • These four ground rules as a one-pager, for running this with your own team.
Sanne Hoekstra · sanne@vonktraining.nl · +31 20 214 88 30 · Da Costakade 158, Amsterdam
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